Rude Rhymes

Vicious fishes
With malicious wishes,
In a few expeditious swishes,
Squish us,
Find us delicious, 
And don't even do the dishes.

It's allergy season and the nose is always something of an issue,
So instead of rubbing it between your breasts I thrust it into a tissue,
But I miss you.


Narcissus
In watery abysses,
Condemned to cooler blisses
Than this is,
Hisses
That he misses
His own kisses.


While standing at the vernissage
Engaged in idle badinage
I fabricate some persiflage
To linger by your décolletage.
Could one actually massage
Such an obvious mirage?
At risk of social sabotage,
Employing tricks of espionage,
I infiltrate your entourage
And press my nose to your corsage.
A pair of turrets on the Taj!
Were you under my British raj
I’d put you through some strict dressage,
Inflict an oscular barrage
And park my tank in your garage.


FROM HIS COY MISTRESS 

Purge
Urge
To surge
On verge
Or we shall no more merge.


TO HIS BOY MISTRESS 

Never shall
I stick my pal
In your banal
Canal.


This particular
Funicular
Is so perpendicular
That it looks testicular
As it climbs up the prickular.
And when it goes quickuler
There’s nothing ridiculer.


Randall
The vandal
Sucks your sandal
And’ll
Dandle
With a candle.
Who knows how the band’ll
Handle
The scandal!


Snapes
Tapes
Grapes
To apes’
Napes,
Drapes
Their gapes
With capes
And escapes
To traipse
Landscapes
Toward new scrapes.


Ache
At stake
For fake
Rake
Making break.
On the make.
Give is take
Is jake.
Snake
Takes
Cake.
Lucky break.
Dumb flake.


Uncouth
Youth
In phone booth
Bleeding ruth,
Ear to truth.


Hate
Mate’s
Weight?
Won’t deflate?
Anticipate
Giving Kate/
Nate
Gate?
Wait!
Cogitate!
Neither fate
Nor plate:
Mental state!
Failure to sate!
Typical trait.
Don’t calumniate.
You too are stale mate—
Overweight,
Out of date,
Bald pate,
Loose plate.
Not so great.
Can irritate.
Too late
To eliminate.
Create!
Titillate!
Rejuvenate!
Treat like date!
(May have to fellate.)
All you do is prate,
You ingrate!


Flung
Like dung
Wrung
From bung,
Slung
Among
Those hung
From low rung.
Stung.
Unsung.
Need young
Tongue.


O’Flaherty’s
Rarity
Is not muscularity
Or his wit’s angularity
(Certainly not it’s celerity)
Or his crass jocularity
Or his overfamiliarity
Disguised as sincerity,
Or even the asperity,
Almost the severity,
That defines his polarity.
No. 
O’Flaherty’s
Singularity,
To do him all charity,
Is a vulgarity
Of such lucid clarity,
And some dexterity,
That it achieves a similarity
To hilarity,
Though with no great regularity,
In fact with regrettable rarity.
And so will O’Flaherty
Pass into posterity
With the verity
Of this parody—
A pie in the face of his austerity.


Luck
Stuck.
Fuck!
Out of pluck!
Out of suck.
Had I a buck
I’d shuck
The ruck,
Plow my own muck,
Huck!


No stuff,
Not even to bluff!
Hung by the scruff,
Handled rough—
Stuff this guff!
When’s enough?


Unbreath,
Death.
Stone deaf
Gravel text,
Death
Less dead.


Hone
Own
Bone
Alone,
Grown
On loan
From thrown
Stone.
Nose of crone,
Woes unknown,
Flown,
Ungrown!
A moan
Of one’s own.


Smart
Tart,
Cupid dart.
Start love chart:
Part
Heart,
Part
Other part.
Hitch your cart
Whereso’ere thou art.
When I fart
It’s art.


Rock
Cock.
Walk,
Eye of hawk,
Choose from flock.
Don’t gawk:
Stalk,
Block,
Talk,
Mock,
Shock,
Check clock,
Open lock,
Ease into dock.
Does she balk?
Hard knock.
Go home to warm sock.


Words on page,
Act your age,
Disengage
Childish rage.
Coprophage
In the cage,
Crazy sage.
Decent wage
Hard to gage.


The heart is a kite.
It’s heavy, it’s light.
At maximum height
It quickly takes fright,
Descends to the trite,
Then turns itself right,
Out-races its plight,
A speck in the sight
And, feeling its might,
It shudders in flight,
The string stretching tight,
A moment of night,
Then falls away, slight.


Suggest –
In fact request –
Your breasts,
Undressed,
Caressed,
Rest
Best
In nest
Pressed
To my chest.
Care to test?
Obsessed?
You guessed.
Stressed.
Depressed.
Un-yessed.
Exiled from fest.
No jest.
Detest.
Be my guest.
At your behest.
Feel blessed.
OUCH! 
Distressed
Lest
You ingest
My breast!




A film in your investment portfolio—why on earth? (Chrome and Firefox will open this; Explorer may not.)

Also by Robert MacLean, the "Toby" books,
Will You Please Fuck Off? at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DEAmazon ITAmazon ES and Smashwords;
Foreign Matter at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DEAmazon ITAmazon ES and Smashwords; 
Total Moisture at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DEAmazon ITAmazon ES and Smashwords; 
and these, too,
Mortal Coil: A Comedy of Corpses at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DE, Amazon IT and Amazon ES;
The President's Palm Reader: A Washington Comedy at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DEAmazon IT and Amazon ES; and
Greek Island Murder at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DEAmazon IT and Amazon ES.

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